Definitions that Makes Sense In a Wacky Sort of Way

ANTIQUE: An item your grandparents bought, your parents got rid of, and you're buying again.

ARBITRATOR (ar'-bi-tray'-ter): An employee that leaves Arby's to work at Burger King.

BALDERDASH: A rapidly receding hairline.

BATHROOM: A room used by the entire family, believed by all except Mom to be self-cleaning.

CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

CONFERENCE: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

DERANGE: Where de buffalo roam.

DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

ETC: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

ETERNITY: The last two minutes of a football game.

FABLE: A story told by a teenager arriving home after curfew.

FATHER: A banker provided by nature.

GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.

GUM: Adhesive for the hair.

HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.

HINDSIGHT: What one experiences from changing too many diapers.

INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MISER: A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.

MYTH: A female moth.

OVERSTUFFED RECLINER: Mom's nickname for Dad.

PARADOX (par'-u-doks'): Two physicians.

PHILOSOPHER: A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.

POLITICIAN: One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.

PRIMATE (pri'-mate'): Removing your husband from in front of the TV.

PUDDLE: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

REFRIGERATOR: Combination art gallery and air-conditioner for the kitchen.

SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.

SHOW OFF: A child who is more talented than yours.

STERILIZE: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.

TOP BUNK: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman pajamas.

TWO-MINUTE WARNING: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

VEGETARIAN: Old Indian word for bad hunter.

ZUCCHINI: Vegetable which can be baked, boiled, fried or steamed before kids refuse to eat it.