Humorous Christmas Quotations

"Many banks have a new kind of Christmas club in operation. The new club helps you save money to pay for last year’s gifts."-- Anonymous

"The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin."-- Jay Leno

"Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas."-- Johnny Carson

"The threat of Christmas hung in the air, visible already in the fretful look of passersby as they readied themselves for the meaningless but necessary rites of false jovialities and ill-considered gifts."-- Peter Dickinson

"From a commercial point of view, if Christmas did not exist it would be necessary to invent it."-- Katherine Whitehorn

"Oh look, yet another Christmas TV special! How touching to have the meaning of Christmas brought to us by cola, fast food, and beer... Who'd have ever guessed that product consumption, popular entertainment, and spirituality would mix so harmoniously?"-- Bill Watterson

"I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included."-- Bernard Manning

"Christmas is a time when kids tell Santa what they want and adults pay for it. Deficits are when adults tell the government what they want and their kids pay for it."-- Richard Lamm

"Did you ever notice that life seems to follow certain patterns? Like I noticed that every year around this time, I hear Christmas music."-- Tom Sims

"I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph."-- Shirley Temple

"Let me see if I've got this Santa business straight. You say he wears a beard, has no discernible source of income and flies to cities all over the world under cover of darkness? You sure this guy isn't laundering illegal drug money?"-- Tom Armstrong

"Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people once a year."-- Victor Borge

"There is a remarkable breakdown of taste and intelligence at Christmas time. Mature, responsible grown men wear neckties made of holly leaves and drink alcoholic beverages with raw egg yolks and cottage cheese in them."-- P.J. O'Rourke

And my personal favorite:

"The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other."-- Johnny Carson