"I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included."
"The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin."
"Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people once a year."
"There is a remarkable breakdown of taste and intelligence at Christmastime. Mature, responsible grown men wear neckties made of holly leaves and drink alcoholic beverages with raw egg yolks and cottage cheese in them."
"Anyone who believes that men are the equal of women has never seen a man trying to wrap a Christmas present."
"The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other."
"Oh look, yet another Christmas TV special! How touching to have the meaning of Christmas brought to us by cola, fast food, and beer... Who'd have ever guessed that product consumption, popular entertainment, and spirituality would mix so harmoniously?"
"You know you''re getting old, when Santa starts looking younger."
"That's the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me."
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